Nothing Ever Hurts Like Holding On
by stitchcrazy68
Summary: A short story in the perspective of Kaidan of the Final Battle and after. FemShep/Kaidan, Garrus/Tali
1. Chapter 1

I have nothing to do with the original story line, characters, or Microsoft. I have changed some of the actions of the charaters to fit my own tastes. Most of the situations are made up of my own interests.

Chapter One – Final Battle/Conduit

Kaidan stood and stared in disbelief. All the fights that he had taken part in over the past four years had pretty much been the same. This final battle was different; the sight was different, the smell in the air was different, the sounds were different.

The sounds that had haunted his dreams the most were the high-pitched screams of the Banshees, the converted Asari females transformed into monstrous husks, and they caused his skin to moisten and break out in a cold sweat.

This final battle brought a cacophony of sounds that pierced the eardrums like shards of glass and shook the ground violently. He almost felt like, what he imagined, a rag doll would feel in the mouth of a violent dog.

Kaidan had faced a Reaper just an hour ago in down town London, yet it instantly seemed as though it had been a week ago.

The Citidel's beam was before them, waiting to be penetrated and utilized for a way to destroy the Reapers. It was now visible why their shuttle had been hit and grounded.

The beam was blinding to look at and it resembled a dream he could be having. A dream where he was running as fast as he could, down a hallway that just kept growing longer and longer the more he tried to reach the end.

Fear flashed in his mind for a brief moment, fear that they were going to lose. Fear that _he_ was going to lose.

Kaidan looked at Shepard, who stood slightly in front and to the right of him. He saw her mouth move in a sharp command and then saw her start running in the direction of the beam.

To Kaidan's left, Garrus began to run after Shepard and Admiral Anderson. Kaidan instantly fell into pace with Garrus and dodged fragments of flying debris and wreckage; while fighting to keep his balance without breaking stride.

Kaidan's eyes did not waiver, they were fixed dead ahead on the lighter, smaller form of his Commander, the love of his love. He knew in his mind that Shepard didn't need him to protect her, but his heart screamed something different. He fought his heaving lungs and ignored the painful plea of his body begging for more oxygen.

Garrus kept a slightly swifter pace than Kaidan, but he too was left behind by Shepard's steady sprint. Kaidan watched as Shepard dodged and swerved around flying chunks of gravel and metal that had been blasted by the Reaper's red plasma beam. Kaidan barely felt the sharp object that grazed his right cheek and caused a thin 1 cm line of warm blood to garnish his pale face.

The ground rumbled and shook violently while the Reaper's piercing high-pitched tones and bright lights blasted the atmosphere with a large red ray. Up ahead, Shepard stumbled yet continued to run. The next few moments happened in extraordinarily slow motion as Kaidan watched a tank explode in front of Shepard as she advanced further down the battlefield.

A cold fist tightened around his heart as Kaidan begged to a higher being to keep Shepard safe and unharmed. He tried to increase his speed, he tried to fill his lungs with more oxygen to fuel his legs, and he tried to keep from screaming her name; her first name, the name that only he whispered in her ear in the dark.

In one swift movement, before any thought could register, Kaidan caught the sight of

Shepard crouched on the ground behind the shredded tank, looking directly at him with a terrified expression. That's when everything was turned upside down. The right side of his head was throbbing and a deep searing pain was coming from his midsection. He was lying on his right side and he was on the ground. What ever had hit him had come from his blind side. He was nauseatingly dizzy and his biotics hummed like a threatened hornet on a hot day.

Kaidan tried to clear his mind and tried to rise to his knees. Shepard was beside him within moments and placing her arm around him. He knew he was running with her help, but he couldn't tell which direction they were going. Shepard pushed him down gently, behind an upside down tank, and he saw Garrus kneel down beside him. Garrus reached over and touched Kaidan on his left shoulder and looked into Kaidan's face briefly.

Shepard was yelling something into her com-link and he tried to pay close attention to each of her words. If he focused on her words, he might be able to keep the contents inside his stomach from rising. He repeatedly blinked his eyes in an effort to clear his mind and keep his vision steady.

"Normandy, I need an Evac, right now! Do you copy?"

Shepard's voice held concern and Kaidan wanted to sigh in relief. '_We're going to take a short break_,' he thought. His mind allowed him to believed they could get back on the Normandy, clean up any wounds, change armor and get back into the fight in a couple of hours. He'll be okay in a couple of hours. It would be time that they could spend regrouping.

'_What the hell happened_?' Kaidan thought to himself. He had been running and then he was covered in blood and on the ground. He stretched his arm to the right and rested his hand on Shepard's left leg. Her armor felt hot from the scorching heat that was being generated by the Reaper's devastating ray. The air felt like Arizona in mid-August.

"Come on," Shepard's voice held authority but it also washed over Kaidan with a soft hint of affection and caring. She raised Kaidan's right arm and placed it behind her neck, to drape over her shoulder, as she eased him into a jog. Kaidan felt her left arm around his waist and knew she was holding onto the back of his armor for support.

Garrus ran ahead of them with a slight limp and reached the top the Normandy's ramp. He stopped and turned to make sure Shepard and Kaidan was behind him. Armed crewmembers laid down cover fire from the top of the ship's ramp as their commander, Garrus and Kaidan sought shelter.

"Here, take him," Kaidan heard in his right ear. Dumbfounded, he saw Garrus reach for his left arm and his weight was shifted from Shepard to Garrus.

The warmth Kaidan had imagined through his armor, where Shepard's armor connected with his, seemed to have disappeared. He stood a little more on his own feet as he turned to look at Shepard.

"Shepard," Kaidan didn't have faith that he'd heard correctly. He knew he was wounded but she needed to be checked out by Dr. Chakwas as well.

"You better get outa here," Shepard said almost apologetically and pointed in the direction of safety but she wasn't approaching the ramp to safety herself.

"Yeah. That's not gonna to happen," Kaidan replied with a slight tone of sarcasm. She wouldn't expect him to fly away and not face what they had all come to do together.

"Don't argue with me, Kaidan." Shepard's voice held impatience and frustration. A crease appeared between her eyebrows and her lips were set in an almost straight line. '_She's not joking_," thought Kaidan with dismay.

The pain in his abdomen and the throbbing in his head became less noticeable as Kaidan's skin turned cold and slick with the sweat of trepidation. Fear crept up the back of Kaidan's neck and his heart began to ache.

Kaidan reached out for Shepard with his right hand while his voice softened from need and his eyes pleaded with her, "Don't leave me behind…" Kaidan could scarcely keep the sorrow from his voice. At that moment, he knew. He knew what she was going to say, he knew what she was going to do, she was leaving him, he was going to watch her exit his life. He saw it all in her eyes.

He saw her eyes water as she walked up the ramp and she reach her left hand up to his face, "No matter what happens," her gloved palm gently caressed his right cheek while her left thumb passed under his right eye in the loving manner she exercised when they lay in each other's arms during their down time.

Shepard's voice deepened as she fought control of the tears that threatened to choke her and they made her eyes look a brighter green as they threatened to escape her lower eyelids.

"I love you, always," her voice was almost a whisper on the last word.

"I love you, too. Be careful," Kaidan urged. He tried to give encouragement with a slight smile, but it killed him inside. He became aware, once more, that Garrus was holding him up. He watched Shepard walk backwards down the ramp and turn to look over her right shoulder. Her body tensed and she looked back at Kaidan and Garrus and yelled, "GO!" with a wave of her arm.

Kaidan saw her turn sharply and run toward the white beam that would transfer her up into the Citidel.

Garrus pulled Kaidan along with him and they entered the elevator, after selecting the third level Crew Deck, for the Med Bay.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter – Two - Nothing Ever Hurts Like Holding On

Dr. Chakwas was waiting for Kaidan and Garrus when the elevator doors opened on the Crew Deck. She assisted Garrus by taking Kaidan's right arm and placing it over her shoulders. Tali waited patiently at the Med Bay doors for the three to enter and place Kaidan on one of the exam beds.

Tali had prepared an array of medi-gel and bandages on the bedside tray in preparation to help the doctor. Kaidan had been mumbling and planning to talk with Joker about how important it was going to be to stage Shepard's rescue once the Crucible was activated.

"Kaidan, I need to remove your armor," Doctor Chakwas looked at Tali and together they gently removed piece by piece of the damaged bits of armor and wiped away blood with the bandages.

Garrus stood at a counter and removed his damaged armor to apply medi-gel to his hip and thorax. He glanced at Tali and winked at her concerned look, "I'm okay, don't worry."

"Who's worried?" Tali replied with a noted tone of relief and a hint of a smile.

A sad look passed over Garrus' face as he said softly, "I am…" and it was obvious that he was thinking of his closest friend, Shepard, and he was concerned about Kaidan's physical and emotional state.

"Yes," Tali said softly. She looked down at Kaidan's face and watched as he fought the medication and tried to stay awake for a rescue mission that Tali knew might not happen. She knew how gifted and strong Shepard was and she prayed for Shepard's safe return. After all, she glanced lovingly at Garrus, her first prayer had been answered.

The med-bay doors opened and L'iara entered with concern on her face and in her voice, "How is he?"

Doctor Chakwas handed L'iara some gauze and replied, "I think he'll make a full recovery. A couple of the cuts are deep but there isn't any internal damage and by the time he wakes, his biotics should be back to normal."

"Oh, thank the Goddess," L'iara smoothed Kaidan's hair and began to remove blood from his face. "I hope to hold on to everyone we have…left," L'iara's voice began to slowly fade until her last word was just above a whisper.

Kaidan slowly succumbed to the pressing weight of the drugs and low toned vibrations of the worried voices he heard. He drifted sowly, fading away on a sea of darkness.

_The book laid; face open, on his lap as Kaidan's eyes began to droop heavily. He was just going to sit in the comfortable reclining chair and close his eyes for a moment. It was quiet in the large Starboard Observation room. He had been watching the stars as they slowly crossed the large window that stretched across the hull of the Normandy._

_He was off duty and all he could think about during down time was the past few nights that he'd been fortunate to share with Shepard. It was becoming harder and harder for him to avert his eyes from her when they were around other shipmates. He was certain that everyone on board knew of the relationship between Shepard and himself. Joker was less inclined to make playful comments about him and their commander since Joker now had the physical form of EDI to occupy Joker's mind and clever banter._

_Kaidan had fallen in love with Shepard almost from the moment she had been assigned to the Normandy. Her demeanor commanded respect without harsh words and each crewmember pledged their faith and devotion to her. Everyone would walk through hell's fire for her and she would do the same without hesitation._

_Joker had warned him that it could end in heartbreak or he could just be demoted or court-martialed. Kaidan had felt the electrical current of attraction between Shepard and himself after their mission on Eden Prime. Kaidan was elated when Shepard made it known to him that she too felt the attraction._

_The Observation Room door slid open and Kaidan immediately opened his eyes and looked at the slender form of his muse. She wore a casual, standard issued N7 black and red jogging suit. The top's front zipper was undone and her plain white t-shirt hugged her chest and thin waist, she was pure perfection._

_Shepard knew how to be a hard ass when she needed to be, but on the whole she was one of the most considerate and caring individuals Kaidan had ever worked with. She was a great Marine and believed in the good of all races and species._

_"Hey there. What's up?" Kaidan asked and smiled at Shepard as she approached him slowly with her hand tucked inside her jacket's pokets._

_"I'm just checking in, I had some time to spare," Shepard paused next to Kaidan and leaned in for a small, light kiss on the lips. She sat down on the edge of the plush sofa, across from him, and glanced at the book Kaidan held up._

_"I'm just relaxing and doing some light reading. Hey, you didn't wake me when you left this morning."_

_Shepard chuckled, "I just didn't have the heart. You looked so peaceful."_

_"Well, you still should have woken me."_

_Shepard gave Kaidan a sultry smile and lowered her voice, "I'm going to rest a bit and possibly take a small nap. Care to join me?"_

_Kaidan closed the book on his lap and slowly stood without breaking eye contact with Shepard. Wanting to test the amount of 'hold' he may have over Shepard, Kaidan waited, unmoving, with a slight smile. His eyes roamed from her eyes, to linger on her mouth briefly, and glided down Shepard's slender neck. Kaidan noticed that her chest swiftly rose on a deep inhale, causing him to shift his gaze to her eyes._

_Shepard's lips were slightly parted and her eyelids dipped slightly as she whispered his name, heavy with passion, "Kaidan."_

_Kaidan held his breath as Shepard walked toward him with purpose. She wrapped her arms around Kaidan's neck and seductively pressed her hips into his. He groaned softly and pulled her in closer to him as he placed his arms around her mid-section. He felt each of his skin's pores tingle, the only sensation that could come close to the feeling was when his biotics charge and initiate before a battle._

_Shepard entwined her fingers through Kaidan's dark hair and kissed him deeply. He was very nearly convinced that she could feel his heart beat through her thin shirt since her left hand glided down the right side of his neck and stopped to rest on his sternum. Kaidan marveled at the way Shepard could sense his body's rhythms and match her own body's reactions to his._

_Kaidan looked deeply into her eyes and whispered, "God, you're so beautiful…" his eyes became moist and he felt no shame or weakness where she was concerned. He closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of her shampoo as she placed her forehead in the hallow of the left side of his neck._

_"EDI… the door," Shepard called out to the unoccupied room before she kissed Kaidan behind his left ear._

_EDI's crisp and brief voice replied without judgment, "Certainly, Commander."_

_Kaidan didn't hesitate and he seized the moment to not only fulfill his overwhelming need, but to ease Shepard of all of her tension and grant her desires filled for the evening. There was a shift of awareness between Kaidan and Shepard, since EDI had rendered the door nonfunctional, they silently agreed that this reverie would be sweet with tender touch and slow of climatic release._

_Kaidan stepped away from Shepard and walked to a cabinet in the corner of the room. He removed a soft, cushioned bed cover and turned out the lights, excluding the small lamp by the recliner he had been sitting in._

_Shepard assisted Kaidan with making a place on the floor close to the window by the stars. The view was astonishing and much more visually realistic of moving through space than the overhead window above Shepard's bed._

_Shepard pulled the bottom of Kaidan's shirt from the waist band of his pants. She ran her warm hands up under his shirt and across his firm pectorals. Kaidan raised his arms and allowed her to slip the shirt over his head. He watched as Shepard's eyes roamed over his upper body while her hands made work of the buckle at his waist._

_When Shepard met Kaidan's gaze, a single tear formed and fell from her right eye as she pulled him in close to cover his mouth with her own._


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 – Nothing Ever Hurts Like Holding On

Kaidan felt physically heavy, it was hard to move his legs and his arms didn't follow his command. There were bright lights above him and his eyes watered the moment he opened them. There was a slight ringing in his left ear that caused him discomfort.

He was in the Med-Bay and from the feel of his body, being in the supine position, he knew he was a patient. He turned his head and spotted Doctor Chakwas, sitting with her back toward him, at her computer.

"Doctor Chakwas," Kaidan managed to call out. He felt strange sensations in his limbs and in his cranium. The doctor turned her head for a moment and then pushed the com-button next to her computer screen.

"L'iara, Kaidan is awake. Could you let Garrus know, please?" Doctor Chakwas asked softly.

"Right away, doctor." L'iara's soft voice replied.

"Hey, doc, I'm feeling a little strange." Kaiden inhaled slowly and evenly while Doctor Chakwas rose from her chair, still keeping her back to him. She took a deep breath and slowly turned to approach Kaidan.

Kaidan rolled onto his right side to avoid the bright lights in the ceiling. He watched Doctor Chakwas reach for an empty mug and fill it with water. He blinked his eyes at the strangeness of her hands. Her hands were covered in a strange, glowing green light that continuously moved from her fingertips to her wrists.

"Doctor," Kaidan began to question as he sat up and reached forward to take the cup Chakwas offered to him. Kaidan's movements stopped as he stared at his own out stretched hand.

"What the hell is going on?" Kaidan looked into the doctor's eyes and sat in stunned silence as he watched the rippling green light move across her face in a matrix-patterned blueprint.

Kaidan looked at the back of both of his hands as the med-bay doors opened. He didn't turn to look at L'iara, but he had a gut feeling that she would be covered in green light as well.

"Kaidan, I'm relieved that you are awake," L'iara placed a hand on Kaidan's shoulder and glanced across the bed to Doctor Chakwas. The doctor shook her head, indicating that she hadn't mentioned anything to Kaidan about their current location or the situation of the Crucible.

Garrus entered the somber room and muttered, "Ah, hell," when he realized that Kaidan was, metaphorically sitting in the dark, fighting to comprehend the changes in his appearance. Garrus noticed the pain in L'iara's eyes and he decided that he was the one who should inform Kaidan of the loss they all shared.

"Ladies, could you give us a moment, please?" Garrus asked softly.

Doctor Chakwas placed the untouched mug on the counter and left the room, trailed closely by L'iara. The two women didn't wonder far from the med-bay and Garrus could see them through the windows, quietly talking as Tali approached them. Tali looked at Garrus and nodded her head in support of what Garrus was about to do.

Garrus moved to the hospital bed beside the one that held Kaidan. Garrus sat quietly and watched Kaidan's facial expressions work through his memories.

"Admiral Hackett ordered all of the fleets out of the system and to rally at the rendezvous point. Joker managed to pull our collective asses out of the Charon Relay at the very last moment. Normandy has taken on some damage and we are currently on an uncharted, life-sustaining planet." Garrus shifted slightly as he continued, "It's really quite…beautiful…the planet." Garrus became uncomfortable because he knew what Kaidan really wanted to hear.

Garrus cleared his throat and said softly, "She's gone, Kaidan." His throat felt closed off and extremely tight as he felt the heavy ache in his heart for the loss of his illustrious friend. Shepard's image jumped to his mind, the look Shepard gave him on Omega.

She had been surprised and relieved when she realized that 'Archangel' was really Garrus. It had been comical and the image, in Garrus' mind's eye, made him hang his head to hide the tears that flowed uncontrollably to his eyes. He remembered her promise, on Earth, that if she died before him she'd be looking down on him as his protector. "_God, I miss you_," he thought.

Kaidan shook his head and looked at Garrus, "Garrus, I'd know if she was gone. I'd feel empty, but I still feel her."

Before Garrus had to reply, the med-bay doors opened and EDI entered the room.

"Oh, thank God," Garrus mumbled as EDI approached Kaidan.

"I thought it would be best if I helped explain, Garrus," said EDI, kindly.

Garrus nodded and EDI continued, "Kaidan, Garrus is correct. A little over two hours ago, we were entering the Charon Relay to escape the activation of the Crucible. Something happened and a massive energy force passed through each Mass Relay across the galaxy. It engulfed the Normandy and each person within this ship. We were able to stay just ahead of the blast, but the ship was damaged and we needed to land."

EDI paused to give Kaidan time to comprehend her words before continuing, "Within that energy force, every synthetic and organic life form received an oganic form of DNA. We have all been genetically rewritten. Where there was weakness or error, there is now strength and perfection."

Kaidan looked into EDI's face and saw that she also contained the glowing green light. There was something different in her eyes and in her expression. She seemed softer and more life-like. "I don't understand what that has to do with Shepard."

Kaidan watched as EDI closed her eyes, as if in thought. He saw her take on humanistic expressions and when she opened her eyes, he recognized her as an individual and not a machine.

"Kaidan, the initial DNA strand within the current that passed through the Relay, and into us, belonged to Shepard."

Kaidan's heart jumped and his breathing became shallow, "No, you're wrong. It's caused from something else. She's alive, I can feel her, I can smell her for God's sake."

Garrus cleared his throat as he stood and walked to the mug of water that Doctor Chakwas had left, untouched. He held the cup to his lips and drank before replying, "Kaidan, she's in you, she's in all of us."

EDI reached for Kaidan's hand, "Doctor Chakwas has, on file, blood and DNA of all the crew members that serve on this vessel. I matched Shepard's DNA with the underlying DNA within each of the members of this crew. They all match, Kaidan. Whatever happened on the Citidel, it was caused by means of Shepard sacrificing herself and the sequence has been passed on to us; she died for all of us. She gave everything a piece of humanity."

Kaidan's heart ached and what EDI was saying could only be true. EDI had a look and feel that she hadn't had before; she no longer felt hard and cold to the touch.

"Kaidan, no one knows, as much as I, the sacrifice that Shepard has made for synthetic and organic beings. I am alive and I am now a woman in every sense. Joker has also changed, he's stronger and healthier. She has united everyone and everything through her compassion." EDI stopped trying to convince Kaidan of Shepard's heroics. She knew that what he needed now was time. He needed time to grieve and process all that she had told him.

"Thank you, EDI," Garrus said as he turned to Kaidan, "Kaidan, I'm so sorry. I'm here for you when you want to talk. Officer Lang is now in charge of the ship and crew, but he hasn't taken Shepard's cabin. It's yours for now."

Kaidan stood and drew himself up tall, not wanting to make this harder on any of them. His voice failed him and a nod of his head was all he could manage, as he walked to the door and headed for the elevator. The Captain's Cabin was his destination and he prayed that he didn't encounter anyone else along the way.

"_This has to be a really bad dream_," Kaidan thought to himself as the elevator door opened and he hesitated outside Shepard's door. He didn't want to find it empty and he didn't want to enter her sacred domain without her. The alternative was even worse, going back to the crew quarters. Have the other crew members stare at him with sympathy would do him in.

Kaidan entered the dimly lit room and stopped at the fish tank. He reached for the feeder button and pressed it twice. He watched the colorful fish dart around after the flakes of food. At one point, he had felt at home as he watched her fish on several occasions. Looking at them at present, he currently felt void of any emotion.

Kaidan slowly looked around the room and his eyes fixed on an item that he knew would destroy his restraint. Unable to help himself, he walked to Shepard's desk and sat in her chair. His eyes didn't waiver from the picture frame when he picked it up. He pushed them small blue button on the top and watched the image change from his face to the face of the green eyed Shepard. She hadn't known right away that Kaidan was holding the scanner to capture her image. She had smiled just before the picture was snapped. She joked about how his image occupied the frame when she was the only person in the room. He enjoyed replacing his picture with her own when he spent down time and off-duty shifts with her in this cabin.

He stood and carried the picture over to the night table by the bed. When he set it down, his finger brushed against the white button at the side of the frame and a vid began to play. Kaidan froze and he couldn't breath. He had forgotten about recording Shepard as she slept. She looked peaceful and even in her sleep, her sensuality beckoned for him to crawl back under the covers with her.

The pain in Kaidan's chest grew and he placed his head on Shepard's pillow and turned his face into the soft cotton cloud. He drew in a deep breath and her delicate scent filled his nostrils. He wrapped his arms around the pillow and pulled it into his chest as sorrow engulfed him. He allowed the emotion to take over and Shepard's plush, white bedding muffled his heavy sobs until he fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Don't own it, don't claim to have anything to do with it (Mass Effect) other than play the games…don't prosecute me plz.

**Note: As much as it pains me, I left the wording and punctuation alone on the "original" letter from Kaidan to Shepard from ME2. Everyone should know that it's improper to start a sentence with the words "And","But", "Because" & "Or". Just a pet peeve of mine…**

Kaidan opened his dehydrated, scratchy eyes and rolled onto his back. The stars on the other side of the ceiling window glittered in the black abyss of space. Without averting his gaze, he reached over to the bed table and lifted the picture frame. He wanted to afford himself this time to hide, grieve, and feel angry.

Kaidan played the recorded vid once more and watched for his favorite moment with her…

_Shepard, in her blissful sleep, was curled on her right side while the picture frame camera faced her. Kaidan, careful not to disturb her, climbed back under the covers behind Shepard. He rolled onto his right side and snuggled up against her back and placed his head, just above hers, on her pillow. He lifted long strands of her hair and brought them to his nose. Outside her cabin she wore her hair in a tight bun for professional appearances. Off duty, she allowed her hair to hang loose down the middle of her back._

_Kaidan closed his eyes; attempting to fall back to sleep. The softness of her dark Auburn hair, the fresh floral scented shampoo, and the warmth of her smooth skin stirred desires in him that where almost untamable._

_Kaidan opened his eyes and softly trailed his left index finger softly along her shoulder and down her arm to her left elbow…_

Kaidan studied Shepard's face in the vid for the signs of her slowly waking from sleep. Her eyebrows twitched slightly and her head moved slightly as she inhaled deeply. His eyes remained on the framed vid, playing next to him on the bed. Shepard's eyes remained closed as she stretched and pushed her head back into Kaidan's chest. Kaiden had lifted his head and kissed her on her left temple and then he kissed the hallow space behind her left ear…

_Shepard's soft moan turned into a giggle as Kaidan nibbled on her left earlobe. She moved her left arm and tucked it under the covers. She reached behind her and it was obvious where she had placed her hand._

_Kaidan whispered in her ear, "Be careful, baby. We're being recorded. There are some things that you wouldn't want to have casted on the Extanet."_

_Shepard opened her eyes and realized what he'd been talking about. The small red button at the bottom of the frame blinked continuously. As she reached forward, with a devilish grin, she said, "Sorry, Intraverse, this is private…" and turned the recording off._

Kaidan turned onto his side and closed his eyes and replayed the minutes that had occurred once the camera had been turned off, over in his mind. He almost made it through its entirety before drifting into another restless sleep.

Kaidan's senses became aware of the room before his mind did. The acidic and empowering smell of strong, black coffee commanded that his body come to attention and that the day must begin. Kaiden opened his aching eyes and looked over to his right. A tray sat on the bedside table, adorned with a steaming full coffee mug, a bottle of water, and a plate to toast.

A folded pair of black pants and a black N7 t-shirt had been placed on the end of the bed. A toothbrush, a small tube of toothpaste, and his bottle of shampoo lay next to the clothes. The slight embarrassment of one of the crewmembers seeing him at his weakest vanished at the sight of the toiletries. It could only mean that it had been Garrus who delivered the sustenance and clothes.

"EDI, what day is it?" Kaidan asked as he sat and swung his legs over the side of the bed.

"Kaidan, you have been asleep for thirty-seven hours. The Normandy is in the final stages of repair and we will be leaving this world soon. It is a very attractive planet and it would be unfortunate if you were to missed the opportunity to briefly explore. Doctor T'soni has already located a large cave system." EDI replied.

Kaidan stood and made his way to the washroom with his clean items in hand. To his left, he noticed the green blinking light on Shepard's personal terminal. Had it been blinking this whole time? He stopped and contemplated if he should turn the screen on and investigate. Would he be invading her privacy, could it be viewed as that since she was no longer here?

He walked over to the desk and sat down in the chair. He turned the screen on and saw the message that had not been opened. It was labeled from Glyph, L'iara's personal tech drone. It was dated from the previous week. Kaidan left it, unread. He then noticed that Shepard's 'Archived Messages' held a handful of received and read notes. He opened the folder and skimmed through the short list of files.

Only one caught Kaidan's eye and brought back a rush of heart wrenching emotions. The subject matter was titled; "About Horizon" and he knew that this was the letter that he had sent to Shepard last year. He knew he shouldn't look back, he shouldn't read it, and he would only create discord with any hope for him to move forward.

_'Shepard,_

_I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?_

_Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. Do you even remember that night before Ilos? That night meant everything to me… maybe it meant as much to you. But a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside._

_But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die — on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself._

_When things settle down a little… maybe… I don't know. Just take care._

_–Kaidan'_

Kaidan couldn't be sure which one was more hurtful; the words that he said to Shepard on Horizon or the words in his apologetic letter. He felt like an ass as he reread the letter. As he scrolled down the page, he saw that Shepard had begun to type a reply message to him.

_'Kaidan,_

_I'm sorry that you had to go through such pain. Please know that I understand and I don't blame you for trying to put it all behind you. You had nothing to feel guilty about; it was my decision back on the Normandy. I ordered you to get everyone, and yourself, off the ship._

_Maybe I was a coward. I've lived with losing members of my crew and team before, but I couldn't face keeping you in harms way. I needed you to be safe and alive; I needed to control that._

_Please understand, for me and from my memory, one day I was waking in your arms and then the next time I opened my eyes, two years had been erased from my life._

_Kaidan, you were the first person I asked about. Anderson would only tell me that you were on a classified mission._

_I understand that you needed to move on, I really do._

_Know this, every moment we spent together still means everything to me._

_You are the only man for me, I love_

The letter was unfinished and it did little to ease the hurt inside. If the letter had been sent, there would have been many different outcomes. Kaidan had felt angry, shocked, resentful, and betrayed. He would have rejoined the Normandy upon being released from the hospital.

At that moment, Kaidan understood that the time of their separation, between Horizon and Vancouver, had allowed them to come together, after Udina's betrayal, with an unbreakable bond. They had loved and lived an entire lifetime's worth within just the past six months.

Kaidan turned the monitor's screen off and headed for the shower. It was time to take advantage of the new life Shepard had gifted to him and his friends.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Kaidan stepped out of the elevator and turned the corner, in the direction of the Mess Hall. He had a feeling that he might run into a couple of the crew members since it was close to afternoon meal. He was surprised to find every member left on board, filling just about every seat in the room. It looked as if a meeting was taking place.

Joker piped up immediately, "It's about time, Major. The food's getting cold."

EDI nudged Joker and addressed Kaidan, "We are pleased to see you this afternoon."

All heads turned toward Kaidan and the chatter in the room paused briefly, then everyone's attention turned back to the heavy pots of food, which contained steaming meat and vegetables, in the center of each table. A heady, sweet aroma masked with roasted beef filled the room and Kaidan's stomach began to grumble. He headed to the closest table, which happened to be the table his good friends occupied.

Tali rose from her seat and gave Kaidan a quick, warm hug. "Kaidan, please sit here," she insisted. Kaidan smiled at her and stared in amazement. She stood before him without her helmet's mask. Her eyes glowed a light green just like everyone else's; she was absolutely lovely. She smiled and continued, "I am trying out human food today."

Tali reached for a plate that Vega had filled and placed it in front of Kaidan as he sat next to Garrus. She moved to the seat on the other side of Garrus and took a plate for herself. Garrus reached out and gave Kaidan's shoulder a light squeeze, "After lunch we're going to show our respects to the fallen as well as add Shepard to the wall."

L'iara slowly glanced around the table. "I have found some remarkable fossilized life forms in one of the caves down the cliff." Her voice wavered and Kaidan felt her eyes on him. He imagined that she was feeling cautious and awkward around him. It was a known fact by the crew that L'iara had strong feelings for Shepard. The three of them grew into close friends and Kaidan appreciated the sisterly relationship Shepard nurtured with L'iara.

Kaidan met L'iara's gaze, across from him, "Human?" he asked with his eyebrows raised.

L'iara immediately became enthusiastic with her descriptions, "They were child-like in size, with large global craniums, and sizable eyes. It isn't clear at this point how long the fossils have been in the cave. I expect Glyph will have the data very soon."

Kaidan's genuine smile allowed L'iara to relax and answer James' question about the possible gender of the species. L'iara began to give more detail before she realized that James had issued a teasing innuendo, by the laughter that had rang out from the humans and the Tarrian at the table. L'iara, Tali, and EDI sat in puzzled mystification.

Tali shifted the conversation to something she was familiar with, "L'iara, I was trying to compare this planet to some of the other planets we have visited. This one is so beautiful and almost perfect. It's almost like Zada Ban, Island In the Wind, and Watson merged together, don't you think?"

EDI added, "The difference about Watson is that it's extremely cold. Shepard did a lot of swearing on that planet."

L'iara thought for a brief moment. "Well, I think that is a very good comparison, Tali. One had beaches, one had waterfalls and topical vegetation and Island of the Wind had the most heavenly floral scented breeze." L'iara's attention wondered as if she were trying to smell the sweet air.

Garrus laughed. "Isn't that the planet that Shepard dove head first into one of the bushes?"

Tali smiled and deliberate, "No, she was smelling a flower and simply lost her balance for a moment… she didn't actually fall. We were trying to figure where the smell was coming from."

"Which one was that highly toxic planet that Thane and Jack kept 'getting lost in the green haze'? It's weird, because after they all got back on board, Jack seemed a little friendlier and Thane didn't spend all of his time in the Life Support room," Joker said matter-of-factly.

EDI avoided Joker's eyes and when he picked up on the look that she was trying to hide some information from him. EDI said, "Lonely people are drawn to each other sometimes, I suppose."

James, Garrus, and Tali all simultaneously sounded out, "What?!" Kaidan looked at all of them in amusement.

"Yes, it was orchestrated, I believe, in some way by Shepard. She appealed to a softer side of the 'hidden' Jack and she encouraged Thane to make himself known to the crewmembers. If Mordin was here, he could confirm," EDI stated simply. Almost at a mumble, EDI added cautiously, "Jack visited Mordin for an ointment to counteract the rash she received from extended contact with Thane's skin. I believe she may have been uncomfortable to talk with Dr. Chawkwas."

L'iara sat with a stunned gaze as she replied, "He must have had to add many additional prayers to his meditation after that relationship."

Garrus cleared his throat, "An assassin is most likely closer to her element. I think she could've chew James to pieces."

James laughed and said good-naturedly, "She's more than I'd care to take on, that's for sure."

Kaidan hadn't worked with Jack or Thane, but he smiled and enjoyed the tales of the Normandy's missions while he was away on his own assignments.

The meal was a pivotal time, well spent, for the crewmembers to reconnect and bond once more into a committed faction. Everyone stayed seated long after the food had been consumed and the remnants had been put away for making into another meal for evening.

EDI took the opportunity to draw attention to the event of placing their fallen commander's name upon the wall of honor. She stood and gracefully moved into the center of the Mess Hall, "If I may, everyone is welcome to stand with the officers in saying farewell to Commander Shepard and Admiral Anderson."

While EDI spoke to the room, her voice could be heard throughout the rest of the ship, by the Com system, for anyone who might have left the room. She returned to Joker's side and sat back down.

Garrus reached for Tali's hand, Tali reached for Joker's hand, Joker held EDI's hand, EdI reached across the table to interlock her fingers with James, and James reached to the right for L'iara's left hand. L'iara's eyes locked with Kaidan's and she slowly moved her hand out in front of her as Kaidan covered her smooth, blue palm with his own. The high emotion within him caused a small tingle of an electrical charge, from his Biotics, to connect with L'iara's. The friction heated his hand slightly,

A small group of nine entered the Mess Hall and everyone seated began to gather in the alcove facing the Wall of Honor. Garrus held two nameplates in his hand and walked forward to the wall. He stood as if in silent prayer and then reached to apply one of the magnetic plates in the center of the listed names. It read, 'Admiral David Anderson.'

Garrus stepped back and glanced down at the second plate. Kaidan watched as Garrus closed his eyes and then looked over at him. Garrus smiled and handed the nameplate to Kaidan. Kaidan stared down at the in-scripted black metal, half expecting it to speak. "_What would she say to me if she were here right now?_"

Kaidan knew that Shepard would place her hand on his shoulder and tell him to take his time. She had been patient and tolerant with everyone. Kaidan inhaled deeply and slowly stepped forward. He was afraid that once he placed her name on the wall, she would be forever gone from him. He didn't want her to disappear from his thoughts or from his nightly dreams.

The wall's magnetic pull effortlessly tugged at Shepard's name and Kaidan placed the plate above the Admiral Anderson's; to show that Shepard had been the Normandy's captain.

Kaidan stepped back in line next to Garrus. He reasoned with himself that it didn't hurt as much as he thought it would. Shepard would be proud if she could see all of them at that moment.

Overhead, soft music began to play a soulful melody. It was the music Shepard liked to play in her cabin in the evenings; quiet and soothing for a troubled spirit.

Kaidan turned to his left and met EDI's gaze. She smiled at Kaidan as he approached her. Without giving the action much thought, Kaidan wrapped his arms around EDI and hugged her fondly. He whispered in her right ear, "Thank you, EDI."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

_The room was dark and music was softly coming from the bedside radio. Kaidan's eyes closed as Shepard's left hand slowly caressed his right calf and her lips brushed the smooth, hard muscles of his stomach. She lazily moved her way up the line of his body, her bare breasts causing his skin to warm at their touch. Shepard kissed his collar bone and then ran her tongue along the right side of his neck to his earlobe._

_Kaidan's excitement pushed his nerves to their limit as he reached for Shepard's face and drew her lips down onto his. The kiss was gentle, deep and warm. Their breathing became quicker as the need for full bodily contact became greater. Without breaking the kiss, Shepard straddled Kaidan and brought their union to full circle._

_Kaidan placed one hand on each of Shepard's hips and she rocked back to deepen the thrusts. Kaidan's eyes opened slightly to take in the beautiful sight of the woman he loved. For a brief moment Kaidan couldn't understand why Shepard's outline blended so well in the darkened room. The naked body above him wasn't the soft, creamy alabaster hued goddess that he'd expected to see. The womanly shape before him; bringing him to rapturous sexual conclusion, glowed with blue biotic currents and the starlight in the windowed ceiling illuminated her indigo colored skin._

Kaidan gasped, sat upright and looked around the room wildly. His exposed skin was covered with a light sheen of sweat. He rose from the bed and made his way into the washroom and leaned over the sink.

His head ached slightly as he turned the shower water on and studied the reflection staring back at him from the wall mirror. His green eyes no longer startled him when he would catch his image in a window or a mirror. He shook his head and tried to understand why he had just had a dream.

Kaidan tested the temperature of the shower and stepped under the hot stream. He felt as if he'd just been caught in an inexcusable situation. Why had Shepard been replaced with L'iara in his dream? He didn't have feelings for L'iara in that way and he couldn't see himself ever being attracted to her as a partner.

With his shower completed and he had fully dressed, Kaidan made his way through the silent corridors and to the empty crew deck. He turned the corner from the elevator and slowly walked to the kitchen. The only sound that Kaidan heard was the occasional beeps softly coming from the pressurized sleeper pods to the right of the room.

The refrigerator was full of food and beverages but he didn't have much of an appetite. He stood and stared until he heard a soft greeting.

"Hello, Kaidan."

Kaidan closed the refrigerator door and turned to find the ship's doctor standing 3 meters behinds him.

"Hey Doc," Kaidan said with a quiet laugh, "I figured you'd already turned in for the night." He walked over to the edge of the counter and crossed his arms over his chest.

Doctor Chakwas smiled and retrieved two bottles of water from the refrigerator. She held one out to Kaidan and invited him to sit with her at one of the tables.

"I thought I would shortly," she said, "but I figure that I haven't had a chance to speak with you in a few days. Lets catch up before this old woman lets another few days slip away."

Kaidan chuckled and sat across from her, "I wonder where everyone else is. Garrus is probably playing cards with James."

Doctor Chakwas took a sip of water before she answered, "Things are changing quickly. I find my brain full of ideas on new ways to improve my medical supplies. It's marvelous how I simply feel physically and mentally younger. I have to force myself to stop experimenting and go to sleep at night." Karin Chakwas gave a small laugh and Kaidan could swear that she appeared younger to him.

Kaidan smiled and felt comfortable enough to open up with her; he knew she would keep any confidence that any crewmember bestowed upon her.

"Doc, when I was wounded and unconscious in the med bay," Kaidan sat with his hands wrapped around his water bottle and briefly met Chakwas' eyes before dropping them again, "I dreamt of Shepard. It was as if she right there in front of me. I could sense her, I touched her and God I even smelled the scent of her shampoo. It was so real and looking back at it now, it was like she'd been saying…goodbye."

Kaidan expected to see Chakwas staring into his face with sympathy in her expression. He hadn't expected to look at her and see that her expressionless eyes were fixed on an object across the room. She sat as if she were listening to a conversation in another room.

Chakwas smiled and turned her eyes to meet Kaidan's. "I remember. About an hour after Garrus and EDI broke the news to you about Shepard, a few of us -Garrus, Tali, EDI, L'iara and I- were sitting at this very table. We sat here in silence for the longest time. Tali suddenly spoke as if she had been tired of waiting for conversation, 'I believe I felt the very minute Shepard passed on,' she said. I think each of us must have been staring at her as if she'd just grown an extra head. As it turned out, each one of us that had spent personal time with Shepard received a moment, like a memory, at about the same time that day. EDI believed that Shepard must have had special messages for those of us she considered close friends."

Kaidan smiled at the thought, "She was a remarkable woman…"

Doctor Chakwas continued sharing with Kaidan, "Extraordinary in deed. One evening she and I spent close to three hours telling stories and sharing laughs. Well I did most of the talking. She particularly enjoyed the tales that involved you. Her love for you was apparent. All anyone had to do was mention your name and her eyes would expose her heart's secret."

Kaidan lowered his gaze, "My dreams of her are becoming clouded and farther apart.

Chakwas cleared her throat and looked at Kaidan, "She wouldn't want you to stop living, Kaidan. She would want you to eventually move on and find someone to love and for someone to return that affection. The ghosts have a way of knowing when the living have grieved enough and they loosen their grip to let us move forward."

Chakwas pushed her chair back and stood to leave the table. "Goodnight, Kaidan."

"Goodnight, Doc, and thanks." Kaidan rode the elevator back to the Captain's Cabin and decided to pack up his items and the personal items of Shepard's that no one would miss. He decided to spend the rest of his nights aboard The Normandy in the empty Life Support room.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

The hull of the Normandy was in prime condition and the last of the electrical wiring had been replaced. Kaidan ran his hand along the main frame conduit and secured all of the switch plates.

Tali stood up and announced, "Everything here checks out and we are fully operational. Keelah, I am starving. Kaidan, do you have kitchen duty? I don't think I can eat any more of James' spicy food for a while. Garrus has threatened to bunk somewhere else when James takes over the Mess hall."

Kaidan chuckled and reassured her, "I'll go easy on everyone today." He left the Engineering deck and made his way up to the third ship level.

Kaidan was in thought about what meal he'd prepare when he stopped in midstride at the site of L'iara standing at the kitchen counter. There were many different varieties of vegetables and fruits arranged on two large trays.

A mental picture of the exposed L'iara from his dream abruptly appeared in Kaidan's mind. He felt guilty on two levels. He felt ashamed for dreaming of her in such an adulterated way because she had been Shepard's best friend and he didn't want to feel unbound to move on to finding companionship with another.

Kaidan knew that L'iara wasn't interested in him and since she had no idea that he had such a dream, he chose to act as though nothing had bothered him.

L'iara's smiled as her eyes met Kaidan's, "Hello Kaidan. I wasn't sure who was to prepare the meal so I decided to do some supplementary substance that Tali would enjoy. I've noticed that Garrus has added more fresh vegetables as well, that's quite curious."

"That's great, L'iara, thanks. I believe in privacy but I think it's okay to mention this to you. Tali and Garrus seem to be a couple now."

L'iara stopped peeling the bright red item in her hand and looked at Kaiden is surprise. A smile played at her full lips and she whispered in amusement, "Well… good."

Kaidan went about preparing large batches of chicken casseroles, his mother's own recipe, from memory.

L'iara showed interest in the preparation and before long they were exchanging comfortable laughs and stories of old missions and stories of growing up. They realized how quickly the time had passed once the crew began showing up for the meal.

Joker dramatically inhaled as he approached the cooking duo, "Ah, what's that smell? I smell all kinds of goodness."

Kaiden noticed that Joker's limp had just about disappeared and he was standing upright. The miracle of gene mutation and rewrite had made Jeff Moreau a new man.

L'iara smiled and held out a pan of hot casserole, "Thank you, Jeff. It is mostly Kaiden's skill that is feeding us. He seems to be good at more than just Biotics and firing an Assault Rifle."

Joker laughed and took the pan from L'iara, turning to place it in the center of a table that was filling with people.

The groups stayed at their tables and stretched back in the comfortable seats for friendly banter. Joker made an announcement that put everyone in an even better state of mind, "According to the calculations EDI has mapped, we should be arriving at the Com Buoy near the Dholen System in about half an hour."

Whoops and shouts of joy filled the room and hugs were exchanged excitedly. EDI spoke once she had a chance for her voice to be heard, "We will be close to the Far Rim Mass Relay and hopefully we will be able to make our way to neighboring systems."

Everyone contemplated and took wagers on which systems would be the most prudent to visit first. Everyone was skeptical on the operation of the Citadel and if perhaps the Migrant Fleet would be within the system.

Tali excitedly pressed that the Fleet would welcome them and it would be an excellent way to collect information about the remaining Systems.

When everyone had eaten their meal and all the remaining had been stored away, every member of the crew returned to their stations and prepared for any encounter that may lie before them.

Kaiden looked over all the power boards and systems and made necessary adjustments where they were needed. Time seemed slower than usual and he finally found himself unable to stay within his comfort zone. He headed to the elevator and made his way up to the Command Center and Bridge.

He wasn't surprised when he saw that Tali and L'iara were already standing beside Joker and EDI, straining to get a view of the approach to what should be a Com Buoy.

Edi looked at Joker, "The systems are correct. The Communication unit is no longer here. The Relay does seem to be in the correct coordinates though."

Joker nodded his head, "Lets head for it, EDI."

Tali's voice held concern at the distressing news of a destroyed Buoy, "I hope that is the only thing missing in this system. If the Flotilla isn't there, I may never know where they have gone. Could they be on Rannoch?"

L'iara placed a gentle hand on Tali's shoulder and said, "Tali, Joker will find them. I'm sure the fleet made it through the Relay."

Even though L'iara's voice sounded confident, Kaiden had been the only one to catch the flicker of hesitation within her bright blue eyes. He also stood looking through the empty void of space and wondered what they were about to find at the Relay.

Kaiden and L'iara took the other two empty seats close by while Tali stood over Joker's right shoulder. No one wanted to look away from the window in fear of missing something crucial.

Kaiden sat with his fingers laced together and tried to ignore the anxious feeling of dread that stirred within his gut.

Joker's voice cut through the silence without warning, "We're getting a signal. EDI, what is that?"

EDI studied the images in front of her, "It's a Reaper signal and yet it isn't."

"What the hell? We're being haled. This is crazy… we should get the hell out of here."

Kaiden stood and looked into the distance as the image of a Mass Relay grew in size.

Joker pointed at the flashing lights on the panel in front of him. "There, see? Oh my God, it's two Reapers."

"Jeff," EDI calmly said, "It looks as though they are repairing the Relay. There was minimal damage but it is unusable at this time."

Joker tuned to EDI with a worried expression, "How can you be so calm? What are these signals that they are giving off? What do they mean?"

"They are communicating with my internal network. They were aware of our approach before we were aware of them. They have been synthesized and rewritten just as we have been. They are as one and they are with us. We all share one goal… peace and knowledge. They know us and we know them."

Tali spoke eagerly, "Do they know the state and situation of the other systems and the location of my fleet?"

Everyone remained silent and waited for EDI to gather as much information as she could. The moments seemed like hours and everyone had questions swirling around in their minds about loved ones and the condition of their home worlds.

EDI smiled and turned to Tali, "The Flotilla is on the out skirts of Far Rim just as you had hoped. The Geth and the Reapers are rebuilding your world. The Reapers are spread out among the star systems and are helping rebuild from the destruction. We should be able to use this Relay within a few hours."

L'iara wiped a tear from her face as she turned to leave, "Thank the Goddess." She smiled at Kaiden and said, "I'll let the Captain know what has been discovered."

Kaiden turned back to EDI, "I wonder if we have the same ability to link our own communications to a Reaper and transmit our messages throughout the galaxy. These Reapers have the ability to know what is going on in other star systems linked to another Reaper billions of miles away, instantaneously?"

EDI smiled at Kaiden, "It appears so."

Joker whistled, "Damn, this just got a little easier."


End file.
